Christmas & CPTSD: 'Tis The Season To Be Triggered
I have been going through a lot of emotional turmoil this weekend.
I don't know what triggered it.
Maybe passing by my sister after not seeing her for over a year.
Maybe it's the time of year getting to me.
I've been feeling detached from life, but I think that is because I have been in an emotional flashback.
I have been wanting to sleep, so I allowed myself to do that.
I slept a lot.
A lot of the time I just lay there not asleep, but not fully awake either.
It was one of my prolonged emotional flashbacks when I just want to stay in bed.
I stay home a lot as it is, but at these times I literally stay in bed.
I'm not sure why, but I feel compelled to.
I suppose I feel safe there, but I also don't have any energy at these times.
I feel depleted and a part of me thinks that I am trying to avoid something.
Not that I have any kind of control over dissociation, but I become so triggered by my own thoughts that I stay in my room, in my bed, under the covers.
Even now as I'm typing this, I was starting to go into a trance like stare into space.
I am feeling light headed.
I have this strong feeling that something is trying to surface.
Some of my repressed memories perhaps.
The partial memories in particular.
I need to realize that these times of being in this zoned out state are times when I am overwhelmed.
I don't have any control over my response.
I don't choose to freeze or dissociate.
I keep trying to remember though.
I think about the partial memories and try to focus on what happens next, but I end up in a trance like state, just staring into space again.
I'm going to try
I'm floundering without a therapist.
The longer I stay away from reaching out, the harder it is to do it.
I just can't though.
I wish my husband would take over for me and take care of me.
He now has insurance from work which will cover a psychologist, but I am hesitant.
I'm so afraid.
I don't feel like I can trust anybody.
I feel like nobody can be trusted.
On social media, in groups for CPTSD survivors, I will reach out and then I will delete my messages.
I need support, but I shy away from it when it is offered.
I can't control my responses.
I run on fear a lot.
I can't even stay focused while writing this.
'Tis the season to be triggered.
I made a video for my youtube channel on this topic. Here is the link.
~Poking Holes <3